To get wasted or not? That is the question…

Can a person perform outstandingly well in a highly technical field without being a geek? That is the dilemma I’m facing right now, and a question I have asked myself several times.

A geek could be technically identified by the way that person uses his or her spare time. Some are obsessive computer gamers, while some are crazy coders. Some spend their entire free time going through video lectures of various subjects. What do I do in my spare time? I read novels. I chat. I try to learn the guitar although my singing capabilities only please me when I’m drunk. I try to learn dancing. And of course, I Jog and I sleep.

I love my life with all the free time I’m having these days. But having sentenced myself for a phd in AI starting in a few months time, I’m a bit afraid whether I could be successful in my work with the current mindset. My fear is that I have to eat, drink and even share ideas with a bunch of real geeks in a few months. Will I survive? 

At the moment I’m being   dragged in two different directions. When I stay, talk and work with so called intellectuals, I naturally admire them. I like my work and I love research. But to love a field means consistent knowledge gathering and reading. Sometimes I urge myself to dedicate all my free time towards learning. How little do we actually know of the things that we would like to know?  

But when I hang out with my crazy friends, listen to their stories, share their life stories, get drunk with them - wow that is life! Their lives are so free and seemingly so uncomplicated. Being brought up in a traditional environment, I have always being trained to frown upon such lives. But I call myself a person liberated from the shackles of ‘culture’ and I can’t hate these people for being so naïve, so shortsighted and living in the moment. They live happily for the moment without much worry about the future, and let the time decide what would happen of their lives.

        

I know I would never truly be able to be one of the latter group I mentioned, because its already too late. I know too much, I have read too many weird stuff to know that life is not a play ground as some people believe. Oh how unlucky am I in that regard? Whenever I see person who has the ability to completely immerse   himself in the current moment and enjoy it as if he is not going to be alive tomorrow, I look at him with a green flash in my eye. I try to remind myself how naïve and meaningless their lives are. But the truth is that I’m jealous.

And now back to the basic problem. I know for sure that I can’t be a true geek. Whenever I get a chance I enjoy myself and try to imitate the group of people whom I look at with such jealousy and make myself look like a complete fool. I have heard many comments from people saying ‘I never knew that you were this crazy’! Yes, I’m crazy. I challenge the so called normal good and bad. I have survived well up to now  leading my dual life – sometimes as an intellectual and sometimes as a junkie. I will try my best to continue being the same during the next 4-5 years. Time would tell if I’m successful or not in my carrier. As one of my friends once said, ultimately life is all about whether you are happy or not!

Let the journey begin

Why would a sane man want to blog? It’s a terrible waste of time, one would say! There are myriad reasons. Some blog out of utter boredom of their miserable lives. Some blog to cry out to the world hoping that their pains would be shared. Some blog to let out their creativity. Not like the old days, now we can freely distribute our feelings with an unlimited span through the web with some taps and clicks.

Why did I choose to blog? Well, it’s a mixture of many I guess. From the small ages I liked free writing. If a topic is interesting could scribble pages and pages.  Looking back at my quarter a century existence, I have had moments of ecstasy as well as moments of bitter agony. Some people look at my life with a flash of green eyes, but if they know what I have gone through those eyes would turn sour and shed a tear. Have I learned anything useful out of my experiences? Of course I have! But now I wish if I had recoded those moments, what I felt and how I reacted.

 My mind is more a machine when it comes to decisions and I seldom let emotions rule me. But, I am not a Cyborg! When I meet people, when I talk to them, when I leave them (sometimes forever) all the human emotions come and play with me. I simply have the ability to ignore them. When I read a book, when I watch a movie, when I go for a long jog near the lake, when I dance or when I play - these emotions play with me. Anger, love, jealousy, compassion – human beings are so complex. Actually the human brain is so complex. 

By allowing my thoughts and emotions to flow out of my brain to the keyboard I hope I would be able to contemplate on myself, my surroundings and my companions in a better way. And if I manage to continue this for habit for an extended period, some day I would be able to gaze upon the Reflections Through Time nurtured through my own fingertips! Let the journey begin.