Can a person perform outstandingly well in a highly
technical field without being a geek? That is the dilemma I’m facing right now,
and a question I have asked myself several times.
A geek could be technically identified by the way that
person uses his or her spare time. Some are obsessive computer gamers, while
some are crazy coders. Some spend their entire free time going through video
lectures of various subjects. What do I do in my spare time? I read novels. I
chat. I try to learn the guitar although my singing capabilities only please me
when I’m drunk. I try to learn dancing. And of course, I Jog and I sleep.
I love my life with all the free time I’m having these days.
But having sentenced myself for a phd in AI starting in a few months time, I’m
a bit afraid whether I could be successful in my work with the current mindset.
My fear is that I have to eat, drink and even share ideas with a bunch of real
geeks in a few months. Will I survive?
At the moment I’m being dragged
in two different directions. When I stay, talk and work with so called intellectuals,
I naturally admire them. I like my work and I love research. But to love a
field means consistent knowledge gathering and reading. Sometimes I urge myself
to dedicate all my free time towards learning. How little do we actually know
of the things that we would like to know?
But when I hang out with my crazy friends, listen to their
stories, share their life stories, get drunk with them - wow that is life!
Their lives are so free and seemingly so uncomplicated. Being brought up in a
traditional environment, I have always being trained to frown upon such lives.
But I call myself a person liberated from the shackles of ‘culture’ and I can’t
hate these people for being so naïve, so shortsighted and living in the moment.
They live happily for the moment without much worry about the future, and let
the time decide what would happen of their lives.
I know I would never truly be able to be one of the latter
group I mentioned, because its already too late. I know too much, I have read
too many weird stuff to know that life is not a play ground as some people
believe. Oh how unlucky am I in that regard? Whenever I see person who has the
ability to completely immerse himself in the current moment and enjoy it as
if he is not going to be alive tomorrow, I look at him with a green flash in my
eye. I try to remind myself how naïve and meaningless their lives are. But the
truth is that I’m jealous.
And now back to the basic problem. I know for sure that I can’t
be a true geek. Whenever I get a chance I enjoy myself and try to imitate the
group of people whom I look at with such jealousy and make myself look like a
complete fool. I have heard many comments from people saying ‘I never knew that
you were this crazy’! Yes, I’m crazy. I challenge the so called normal good and
bad. I have survived well up to now leading
my dual life – sometimes as an intellectual and sometimes as a junkie. I will
try my best to continue being the same during the next 4-5 years. Time would
tell if I’m successful or not in my carrier. As one of my friends once said,
ultimately life is all about whether you are happy or not!
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